Hilton Cricket Club

As usual, it looks as if the Oscars will be competing with us once again for the attention of the Press and publicity media. The Academy of Box Brownie Clickers must know by now that to hold their mutual adoration extravaganza during the run-up to Hilton Cricket Club’s AGM is doomed to failure. Just look through this issue of Spectrum to see how much space is devoted to HCC and how much to the Oscars. In case your diary didn’t come with the AGM date already printed, mark it now: 8.00 p.m. on Wednesday 12th March. Cancel all other engagements and prepare to spend an hour or so with us in a cold, dimly lit pavilion. Bring your own fly-spray.

In the meantime, it will be apparent to everyone passing our cricket ground that we have recently signed up an ace fielder, called Talpa europæa. He will appear at mid-off and seconds later he’ll pop up at cover point and then at third man. This is sure to confuse our opponents when they are batting, but Talpa should be warned that his pre-season practice sessions are leaving tell-tale signs that might attract the attention of the local mole-catcher.

The recent furore over the Archbishop of Canterbury’s declaration regarding the adoption of Sharia Law allowed another newsworthy clerical statement to pass almost unnoticed. In a moving sermon, the Archbishop of Hilton & Papworth Everard lamented the inadequacies of English Law and appealed to the Government to buttress our legal framework by applying the Laws of Cricket. Away would go the stuffy atmosphere of our courts, the gowns, wigs and incomprehensible language. Instead, each case would be tried by two judges, one standing at each end of the room. Each would wear a short white coat and perched on his head would be a pile of coloured caps and floppy hats, the volume of which would reflect the judge’s professional rank and importance. Members of the jury would be equipped with placards showing a large “4” on one side and “6” on the reverse. The prosecution lawyers would either hurl a stream of rapid questions, or lob one or two slower, more cunning posers in the direction of the defendant. If the defendant were to handle the questions particularly skilfully, jury members would indicate their approval by holding their placards aloft showing the appropriate number. At the end of the case, a “Guilty” verdict would be indicated by each judge raising the index finger of his/her right hand. In the event of reasonable doubt, the judges would call for adjudication by a third judge, sitting in a neighbouring room watching the proceedings on TV, who would replay the key stages from twenty different camera angles and even then toss a coin to decide. The Clerk of the Court would keep a running tally of the scores displayed by the jury and any defendant who exceeded 100 would be deemed “not out” and acquitted, regardless of the evidence. Cases would last no more than five days, with breaks for orange juice, lunch and tea. Counsel for the Defence could claim an adjournment due to rain or bad light. The Justice minister, Mr Strawberry, has said that he is giving very careful consideration to the proposal.

Readers of the Letters page of the February issue of Spectrum will be as gratified as I am to learn that the ranks of Hilton Cricket Club Supporters Association have been expanded by the opening of the Chapel Close Branch.
That brings the membership of the Association to a grand total of two. Which other cricket club can boast a 100% increase in its support in a single month?

As a token of our appreciation, we shall be submitting plans to extend our present grandstand (pictured below).